I recently finished listening to an amazing session from the Fertility Show Online Summit on fertility and baby loss.
Something they said really resonated with me. There was a question from one of the listeners about whether it is ok to grieve after a negative test result after IVF.
They were saying that of course its ok to grieve, that after having your embryo transfer you leave the clinic pregnant until proven otherwise, so in that respect, you have had a miscarriage and your grief is just as valid.
After our failed IVF cycle I was devastated, and I couldn’t explain or understand why I felt so sad about something that I’d never had - IVF was never guaranteed, I hadn’t had a positive test result and everyone was expecting me to just carry on as normal.
But emotionally I was devastated, I may not have had anything physically to show I was pregnant, but in my head I’d already imagined getting the positive result, telling our families, when my due date would be and the future we would all have together. I was already feeling protective of that embryo inside me, willing it to stick and thinking that I could soon be experiencing the joy of being pregnant.
I realise now that my grief was completely valid, I was grieving for the hope of the future that embryo gave us, grieving for all the difficult years/procedures/heartbreak I’d been through just to get to that point, I was grieving for the fact that I would have to go through it all again to get another chance of that positive result and grieving for the fact that my life may never include being a mum.
This morning’s session was so validating and I wanted to share that with you in case you were also feeling that you couldn’t or should be grieving for your embryos. You’re perfectly within your rights to grieve, and please seek support for it if you are struggling xx
The reality is that, sadly, more IVF cycles end without a pregnancy than result in one. That doesn't make receiving a negative result any easier, particularly when you've spent weeks or months building up to that moment and allowing yourself to imagine what life might look like if it worked.
When you first start IVF, you imagine it’ll be full of hope and a team of people helping you move closer to your dream of having a baby. And while that’s true, what most people don’t talk about is how IVF can slowly chip away at your sense of dignity.
In this latest conversation in my ‘Taking Control’ series, I’m joined by the lovely Julianne Boutaleb, Perinatal Psychologist, to talk about the emotional impact of infertility and the things we can do to protect our mental wellbeing along the way.
