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When you first start IVF, you might imagine it will be a process of careful monitoring, appointments, medication and a team of people helping you move closer to having a baby.
And, of course, there are lots of positives that can come with treatment.
But there’s another side to IVF that isn’t talked about nearly as much.
Sometimes IVF can make you feel like you’ve stopped being a person and have become a patient.
Your body is examined, scanned, measured and discussed. You may be asked questions about your sex life, periods, bowel movements and previous pregnancies. You might have several people examining you during treatment, sometimes people you’ve never met before.
Things that would normally feel incredibly private suddenly become part of everyday conversation.
And after a while, you can become so used to it that you stop noticing how exposing it actually feels. If you’ve felt like this, you’re certainly not the only one.
One of the hardest parts of fertility treatment can be the loss of control.
You don't always get to choose when your appointments happen. Your medication has to be taken at certain times. Your body doesn't always respond in the way you hoped it would. You may be told when to have sex, when to abstain and when to test.
And then there are the procedures themselves.
You might find yourself lying on a treatment bed, half dressed, while people you've never met discuss your ovaries and follicles.
You might be crying after receiving difficult news and then have to walk through a waiting room full of people.
You might be given disappointing news in an environment that feels rushed, clinical or impersonal.
None of these things necessarily mean that anyone has deliberately treated you badly. But the accumulation of these experiences can leave you feeling exposed, embarrassed, powerless or disconnected from your own body.
And sometimes it is the little things that make the biggest difference.
These moments might seem small to someone else, but they might not feel small to you.
You can't control every part of IVF. And you shouldn't have to become an expert in patient rights just to feel comfortable during treatment.
But there are things you can do that may help you feel a little more in control.
If you're having a procedure or examination, it's completely reasonable to ask who will be present.
You can say:
“Who will be in the room with me?”
Or:
“Is everyone in the room involved in my care?”
If there are students or additional staff present, you can ask what their role is and whether you are comfortable with them being there. You don't have to agree simply because someone has asked.
Sometimes the hardest part is not knowing what is about to happen.
You can ask:
“Can you talk me through what you're going to do before you start?”
Or:
“Can you tell me what I should expect during this appointment?”
This can be particularly helpful if you're feeling anxious or if you've had a previous experience that you found difficult. Knowing what's coming can give you back a little sense of control.
If you're upset, overwhelmed or simply need to collect yourself, you can ask for a moment.
You don't have to jump straight off the bed, get dressed and walk out of the room because the appointment has technically finished.
You can say:
“I just need a minute before I get dressed.”
Or:
“Could I have a couple of minutes before we talk about what's next?”
It's a small thing, but sometimes that small pause can make a big difference.
You may become used to talking about very personal things during IVF, but that doesn't mean you have to discuss them anywhere and everywhere.
If someone starts asking a personal question and other people are nearby, you can say:
“I'd rather talk about that privately.”
Or:
“Can we discuss that somewhere a little more private?”
You don't need to explain why.
If you're allowed to have your partner or another support person with you, consider doing so for appointments that you know might be difficult.
They can listen when you're struggling to take information in, remember what was said, ask questions or simply sit beside you.
And if you don't want anyone with you, that's OK too.
Taking back control doesn't mean always having someone beside you. It means choosing what works for you.
When you're nervous, it's surprisingly easy to forget what you wanted to say.
Before you go in, write down:
This might sound insignificant, but IVF appointments can become very repetitive. Same clinic. Same chair. Same questions. Same procedures.
It doesn't have to be anything extravagant. Sometimes it's simply knowing that the appointment isn't the only thing happening in your day.
If you're having a scan, embryo transfer, pregnancy test or another appointment where you might receive difficult news, think beforehand about what you might need afterwards.
You can't always control the outcome, but you can sometimes have a little more say over how you are supported through it.
This is probably one of the hardest things to do.
You might worry about being labelled difficult.
You might think, “I don't want to complain because I need these people to look after me.”
But raising something that has upset you doesn't make you difficult.
You can start with something simple:
“There was something about my last appointment that I found difficult, and I'd like to talk about it.”
You don't necessarily need to make a formal complaint. Sometimes giving feedback or talking to someone in the clinic can help you understand what happened and make the next appointment feel different.
And if something genuinely hasn't been handled appropriately, you have every right to raise it.
This one sounds obvious.
But when so much of IVF involves other people examining, monitoring and talking about your body, it can be easy to forget.
There may be times when you read all of this and think:
“Why didn't I say something?”
“Why did I just put up with it?”
“I wish I'd asked them to stop.”
Please don't give yourself another thing to feel guilty about.
When you're in the middle of IVF, you're often trying to take in huge amounts of information while you're anxious, hormonal, tired and emotionally exhausted.
Sometimes you just get through the appointment and deal with how you felt afterwards, and that's OK. You don't have to become more assertive overnight, just start with one small thing - ask one question, take an extra minute, tell someone what would make you more comfortable...
One of the reasons I created the IVF Positivity Planner was to give people going through treatment somewhere that was completely theirs.
Not another medical document.
Not another list of appointments.
A space to write down what's going on in your head, work through difficult thoughts and feelings, set small goals and look after yourself alongside your treatment.
It includes guided journalling, CBT-based activities and practical pages to help you through different stages of your IVF journey.
Because IVF might be a huge part of your life for a while.
But it isn't all of you.
And sometimes remembering that is a really important part of looking after yourself.
The reality is that, sadly, more IVF cycles end without a pregnancy than result in one. That doesn't make receiving a negative result any easier, particularly when you've spent weeks or months building up to that moment and allowing yourself to imagine what life might look like if it worked.
In this latest conversation in my ‘Taking Control’ series, I’m joined by the lovely Julianne Boutaleb, Perinatal Psychologist, to talk about the emotional impact of infertility and the things we can do to protect our mental wellbeing along the way.
Somewhere around October, that little voice can start getting louder.Could we still fit IVF in before Christmas?Maybe you’ve had that date in your head for months. Maybe you’ve been quietly hoping that by Christmas things will finally feel different.