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Those of us that are/have struggled to conceive will know that one of the hardest things to cope with when trying to conceive is other people sharing their happy news that they are expecting, and when I did a poll in my support groups on what topics people would like support with, this is the one that had by far the most requests.
We know we should be over the moon for them (which we are) but there is another instant reaction that hits you like a bus – that sickening feeling in your stomach that someone else is lucky enough to have achieved the amazing and seemingly unattainable thing you most desire – that immediate thought of – ‘why can’t it be me!’.
You immediately feel guilty for not being able to just be happy for them, but it just acts as a reminder that you still don’t have a baby – there is an intense jealousy (that you don’t feel you can voice to anyone) that is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Some of my closest friends got pregnant whilst I was struggling and I felt so disloyal and mean for having these feelings, but I do believe its instinctive.
In the time I was trying to conceive 14 friends had babies (one friend even had 3 babies in that time – including twins). It gets very hard to keep the smiley congratulations on your face on when hearing all their announcements, and wondering when it will be your turn.
In the current age of social media it is difficult to get away from pregnancy announcements, I sometimes found myself scouring the Facebook looking for peoples scan pictures and announcements – it was like I was punishing myself expecting people's announcements.People are coming up with more elaborate ways to announce their pregnancies, and you then have to see it repeatedly come to the top of your feed every time someone wishes them congratulations.
There is also always a big queue of people asking when you will have children – ‘You’ve been married ages, when are you going to start having children?’, ‘you’ll be next’ or 'do you want children?' (and lots of other insensitive/rude/personal questions and ways of asking). It is difficult to think of excuses and an answer to these questions when you know you are desperately trying to have a baby, whilst also trying to hide the emotions you feel at the question
On top of the announcements, you also have to deal with the comments like ‘It happened in the first month we started trying’, or we weren't even trying' or 'I'm just super fertile!'. Those that have conceived with no trouble (or haven't yet started trying) just have no idea how hard it can be for some people, and how triggering it is to hear comments like that. It can lead you to feel like a failure (which you are not) and like it's your fault (which it is not).
If you are feeling overwhelmed and would like more support, you are more than welcome to join my free Facebook support group for peer support, advice and comfort from me and lots of lovely people who completely understand.
The reality is that, sadly, more IVF cycles end without a pregnancy than result in one. That doesn't make receiving a negative result any easier, particularly when you've spent weeks or months building up to that moment and allowing yourself to imagine what life might look like if it worked.
When you first start IVF, you imagine it’ll be full of hope and a team of people helping you move closer to your dream of having a baby. And while that’s true, what most people don’t talk about is how IVF can slowly chip away at your sense of dignity.
In this latest conversation in my ‘Taking Control’ series, I’m joined by the lovely Julianne Boutaleb, Perinatal Psychologist, to talk about the emotional impact of infertility and the things we can do to protect our mental wellbeing along the way.